The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize