Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize