I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And then he peed in my hair
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