i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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