wakey wakey hands off snakey
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
