Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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