If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
from now on my penis is your penis
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
