You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
