I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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