My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
pray to the hookup gods
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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