I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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