You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
