i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
