"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
where am i from again
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
