My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
