Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
