I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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