I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
