my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm at about main and main street
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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