The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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