It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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