MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize