xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
