I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
