Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
