I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
