You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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