i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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