I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
