Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
where are my eyebrows?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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