I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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