I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
