Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
