dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
