sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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