I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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