Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
