I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
