Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize