he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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