I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
