I need to stop coming to work sober
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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