Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
