I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
