i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
