I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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