she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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