I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
