I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
