My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize