Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
