i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
