Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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