i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
