Don't you send me to vm
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
