the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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