Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
