Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
