saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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