xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
