I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
